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[Scene: Ross' apartment. Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]

CELIA: Talk to me.

ROSS: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

CELIA: No no no. Talk... dirty.

ROSS: [embarrassed] Wha... what, here?

CELIA: Yes...

ROSS: Ah....

CELIA: Say something..... hot.

ROSS: [panicked] Er.... um.....

CELIA: What?

ROSS: Um... uh.... vulva.

Commercial

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]

JOEY: [in disbelief] Vulva?

ROSS: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

JOEY: [sarcastic] Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??

ROSS: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

JOEY: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

ROSS: [deadpan] Please be kidding.

JOEY: Why not? Come on! Close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

ROSS: OK. [closes eyes] I'm in my apartment...

JOEY: ....yeah... what else?

ROSS: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. [gets up, walks across room]

JOEY: [walks to catch up to him] Alright, look, I'll start, OK?

ROSS: Joey, please.

JOEY: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! [in a low voice] Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.

ROSS: [impressed] Wow.

JOEY: Alright, now you say something.

ROSS: I... ahem... I really don't think so.

JOEY: Come on! You like this woman, right?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: You want to see her again, right?

ROSS: Sure.

JOEY: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

ROSS: OK, turn around. [Joey looks taken aback] I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.

JOEY: [turning around] Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.

ROSS: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

JOEY: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

ROSS: I, er...

[At this point, Chandler walks through the door. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.]

ROSS: I want to take my tongue... and...

[Chandler is completely astounded.]

ROSS: ....and....

JOEY: Say it... say it!

ROSS: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

[Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.]

CHAN: [smiling]....with??

ROSS: [rushing to explain] Funny story!

CHAN: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1F8v7t8Sx0

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